Let me start off with a story. When I was somewhere between the ages of seven – nine, I created a card for God. It was a simple card I made out of construction paper. I went as far as t glue a heart cut out inside. I then left the card on the table for God. On the inside don’t know if it was for Valentines day or just because. I told God that I loved him very much, and I was giving him my heart. When I woke up the next day the card was still there and I was sad, until I saw the heart was missing. Which made me overjoyed. (I was skeptical so I looked all over and I couldn’t find it.) Thus, I decided that God took it.
Now shift to the present, as very few of you know and most of you don’t. I have been dealing with a lot of tests of my faith over what feels like the past Seven years. I am guessing. I am not sure exactly when it started. I have always been proud of my self for being a strong woman. One who endures challenges and laughs in the face of danger. Yet, since my brother Shane, passed away, then my aunt Christine, and almost my dad… Along with breaking my foot and it taking almost a year to heal, battling constant colds, and sinus infections, dealing with friends moving away or growing distant. Having my laptop break down over and over again. Despite the fact that Things were finally falling into place really happening for me. I fell into a very deep dark depression last summer. Its crazy right? I have been though so much. Besides the loss of family members, the little tings shouldn’t have broke me. However, I was broke. My faith, my hope, my joy shattered…
I was mad at God. Not to the extreme that I was when I was a teen, but I was constantly angry. I didn’t like feeling like that so I pulled away from my friends. I didn’t want them to see me like that. At first it was just a light depression. Before long, I was falling down the depression hole. I kept hoping someone would pull me out. I don’t think anyone could have tho. It was self inflicted hate. I hated myself. I counted my self as a failure. I beat myself up. I yelled at myself. I yelled at God for letting me get my hopes up just to dash them. It was bad. I honestly didn’t know I was in depression, until I was talking to a friend about a book I am working on. When he suggested the word despair for hopelessness. The reality that I was depressed, hit me like a ton of brisks. I was indeed hopeless. It got so bad that for about five minuets one night. That I thought about ending it all. It didn’t matter what I was thinking . In-fat the whole point was. I wasn’t thinking. That image of ending it all was when I finally snapped out of it. I realized that I needed help. I needed to tell someone how I was feeling and stop holding it in. None of those dark thoughts were mine. That is not how I think, that is not who I am. Yet, for a time it was clouding my judgement. ♥ 2 Corinthians 11:3 “But I am afraid that, as the serpent deceived Eve by his craftiness, your minds will be led astray from the simplicity and purity of devotion to Christ.” ♥Genesis 3:1 “Now the serpent was more subtitle than any beast of the field which the Lord God had made. And he said unto the woman, Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden?” The dark thoughts were blocking me from God.
When I finally realized it, I cried for what felt like a week. Through everything I have experienced in the past- I was always been able to see the silver lining. That was until the depression hit last summer. I was blinded by fear. ♥John 10:10 “The devil comes only to Steal, Kill, and Destroy; but I come to bring Life and to bring it Abundantly.” Some how, for some reason, I had let my guard down. Letting the enemy into my mind. ♥1 Peter 5:8 “Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.” I didn’t willingly let my guard down. My pulling away from God, letting anger, pain, feelings control me. The process happened slowly. ♥ Ephesians 6:11 “Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil.” ♥2 Corinthians 11:14 “And no wonder, for even Satan disguises himself as an angel of light.”
It has been about many month since then, and I have been doing much better. I am joyful even on hard days. Best of all, God and I have a stronger relationship with Him. ♥1 John 4:16 “So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. ♥Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare[a] and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Amen!
What is the status of your heart? Where do you stand with God?
Happy Valentines day all! Remember its no just couple love, its all love that should be celebrated they all should be. So celebrate your: friendships, family, yourself, and most of all your relationship with God.